sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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