mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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