Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
