so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
