so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
