Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
