My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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