Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
