if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
