He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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