i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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