Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
