I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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