The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
