Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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