there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
