dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize