I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Shitshow foam night was such a success
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
