I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
