I'm pants shitting drunk right now
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I faked an abortion last night.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
