i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
