She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
