as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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