Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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