you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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