And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize