i really wish james franco would like my vagina
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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