I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
