How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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