I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Found your dick twin last night
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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