I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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