She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
