how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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