Your mouth is God's brothel.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
