I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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