Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
