last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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