Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
