omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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