The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
