good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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