My room smells like vodka and shame
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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