I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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