Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
