ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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