it was like his penis was on wheels.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
