youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
