never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
