It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
