my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
