Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
