Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
