The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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