if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
