Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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