can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
