Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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