The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
