Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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