who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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