forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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