i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
