Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
