Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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