You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
please come you make the beer taste better
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
