Banned from zoo.
Again?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
