Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
