Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
