I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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